Monday, May 28, 2012

Coming Home

When I'm really stressed out and anxious or depressed, I do the same thing an addict does. I isolate. It's funny how that works. The enabling, co-dependent behaviors are very much like the addict's behaviors.

I couldn't bring myself to blog the past few weeks. I knew I should, because I knew there were so many parents who could relate to what I was going through. But there were just too many ups and downs to keep up and I was so exhausted I just couldn't drag myself to my keyboard and put it out there.

I'm going to give the "Glee", this-is-what-you-missed-in-last-week's-episode rundown of the events of the past few weeks:

Daughter went to rehab. Daughter loved rehab. Daughter doing well in rehab. After 9 days, Daughter called mom saying how happy she was that she was in rehab. Next day while mom relaxing at movies with ringer off, daughter left rehab. Mom, step-dad, sister, and dad went looking for daughter and couldn't find her. Mom got phone call at 5:00 AM from convenience store clerk that daughter seen in area. Mom, dad, brother, step-mom go to area and find daughter. All of the prior mentioned try to talk Daughter into going back to rehab. Daughter wouldn't go. Daughter walked away. Mom's heart broke.

Next day Daughter gets arrested. Daughter tells mom and dad she's ready to go back to rehab. After 2 days in jail, mom and dad pick daughter up when she gets let out and take her back to rehab. Daughter has lots of ups and downs and calls mom every friday, like clockwork and says she wants to leave rehab. But Daughter stays in rehab for 30 days. This week, Daughter coming home.

And that's what you missed on Glee Tiny little reveries.

She's coming home Tuesday. She's scared. I'm scared. She's scared of relapsing and I'm scared I can't prevent her from relapsing.

But the thing is, I'm learning that it's her recovery. Only she can make the choices she needs to make to stay clean. She has all the tools she needs. And we'll help her get to the tools (meetings, therapy, etc) but ultimately, it's up to her.

So, I'm trying to let go and let her recovery be her recovery and my recovery be my recovery. It's really hard to do. I want to fix it for her but I can't. I want her to climb in bed with me while I stroke her hair and tell her it's ok, it was all just a bad dream, like I used to do when she'd get scared at night.

But it's not a dream. It's all very real.

I'm learning that admitting it's real is a very big step for all of us. Also, admitting that it's an incurable, but treatable disease is critical to her recovery. It's treatable. It's manageable. She has to manage it. Like diabetes or heart disease.

I have to admit that I'm still kind of a mess. I have this lump of anxiety in me that just doesn't go away. And I cry all the time. Even on the good days when she seemed to be doing well in rehab, I would stress and worry.

It's the fear. I'm afraid of all the things that could go wrong instead of being happy, in this moment, for the things that are right. I'm trying to get past the fear. I'm trying to remember that fear is just False Expectations Appearing Real. It's being afraid of things that haven't happened. It's being afraid of what's to come.

I know she has it too. She probably fears letting us down. Letting herself down. It's a heavy load for her, I'm sure.

I'm proud of her though. She did make it through her 30 days and I've seen changes in her. Things seem to have clicked for her in her last week there.

So, now it's leg 2 of her journey. She has to use the tools she's been given to stay clean and take small steps forward everyday. One day at a time.

It's leg 2 of my journey too. I'm learning attempting to learn how to let go, admit how powerless I am in this, and focus on my recovery.

It's a very difficult thing for a co-dependent person to do, but I'm trying.

I just want to share this beautiful dance that Travis Wall choreographed in a past season of  "So You Think You Can Dance". He dedicated it to his mother, who was ill and was going through a difficult time, and it portrays how he helped her, or wished he could help her.

I think it portrays how anyone, especially a parent, feels as they watch their loved one go through a difficult time. Sometimes we can help them up, and sometimes we can only wish we can help them. But however you take it, it's just a beautiful dance. Fast forward to about the .53 mark in the video to skip the pre-talk.

On another note, my older daughter is choreographing a dance dedicated to her sister which she'll be performing in a few weeks. I hope to be able to post it if I can get good video of it.

On another 'nother note, my older daughter was in a rollover accident on her way to work, and came out of it with just stitches in her elbow. She had taken her seatbelt off for a moment to grab something from the backseat. She was so very, very lucky not to have been thrown from the car!

Life sure does have it's ups and downs, doesn't it?


Cindi said...

My daughter sent me the link to your blog about a month ago because she said some of the funny stuff you write about reminds her of me! I was hooked immediately and check in often to see how you are doing. I know it has been awhile since you have had anything funny to say because of the difficult time you are going through. I can't even imagine the pain! I know you have family and friends praying for you and your family but please know there are others out there like me and my daughter who are sending good thoughts and prayers your way. I will keep following your daughter's journey with hopes for her continuing recovery and I hope soon you will only have funny things to write about again.

Anonymous said...

That song and the performance are very poignant and almost had me in tears!! Glad to hear your other daughter is okay from the accident--boy-you win the award for stress lately. Take a deep breath and get out your honeybee lady in tights and do some exercises with her--she will make you relax, right? Anyway, I was relieved when you said your daughter liked rehab. That's a great step that she took and got through it. I know with addicts it doesn't mean they won't slip or guarantees anything, but I'm praying she can see a life without dependency and find something else to fill the gap that makes her joyful again. Art, music, working out, writing, counseling, anything to keep busy and fulfilled. Remember, take a deep breath and let it out. Repeat often.
Hugs to you!

Lori said...

Cindi, thanks so much for those kind words - that really means alot to me. I don't want this blog to turn into me droning on and on about addiction. I'll get the funny bone back soon. Thanks for reading and for your prayers and thoughts. I really do believe they all help.

Lori said...

Honeybee lady - yes! That's what I need. That's funny you say that about deep breaths. I said the same thing to my daughter yesterday when she was feeling really stressed out. 5 slow, deep breaths does a lot to calm you down. Thanks for always reading and saying such heartfelt things. Hugs back to ya!

Anonymous said...

That helps calm things down and putting things into perspective. There is always something to stress about and it just takes so much energy from us that sometimes you just have to let it go and realize what's important and what's not. Things will get done, have faith, trust, and keep a cool head. Not easy, but perspective really helps. I hope your daughter realizes that and just does the best she can with the circumstances she's got. Right? Hang in there and have a nice weekend!

Janet said...

Just catching up and sending you hugs as you go through (or went through) all this. I've been a big slacker on my blog as well, for very similar reasons. Just too much "life" happening, and it was all a challenge to survive, let alone write about. Anyway, hope your daughter is doing better and that you are doing okay handling it all. Even if you forget to press the red button sometimes!