Sunday, September 16, 2012

Why I'm the World's Worst Videographer

I'm back. I'm a loser for not blogging for 2 (and a half) months, but it is what it is. I accept that I'm a loser when it comes to blogging.

I have a few things to tell you. I have news about my younger daughter. I have a video to share with you featuring my older daughter, and I have some awesome pictures of our camping trip. Oh, and I had surgery.

Today's post is to share the video with you, but before I do, I have to give you some examples of my complete lack of videography skills. So, I give you...

5 Easy Ways To Prove Beyond a Doubt That You Are Horrible at Taking Videos:

1. When the whole family is gathered on a wooded path in a favorite campground where you have spread some of your father's ashes, hold the camera on each person as if you're capturing the touching and meaningful words and stories they are each sharing about your dad, but forget to hit the little red record button and miss the whole damn thing. Then sulk and drink heavily.

2.  While coming home from a camping trip in the RV (a different trip then the one mentioned in #1), aim the camera at your daughter and her friend as they sing along and dance to Toby Kieth's "Beer For My Horses" while wearing dorky straw hats, but once again, don't hit the little red record button.

3.  At your sister's bachelorette party, arrange for your husband and brother to do a comedic male stripper routine in front of all the guests while you aim the camera at the whole embarrassing scene, gleefully thinking that the tape will be a valuable blackmail tool should you ever need it...but FORGET TO HIT THE DAMN....LITTLE...RED...RECORD....BUTTON!
Are you sensing a theme here?

4. This one is actually a two-fer. Yup, you can ruin two special events with one incredibly stupid action. First, agree to tape your mom's wedding. Then, agree with your husband when he insists suggests that you not hold the camera at all and let him put it on a tripod to capture the momentous event. But then, (and this step is very important) when the wedding is over with and safely taped, don't take the tape out of the camera and slide the little anti-tape-over dohicky to protect it from ever accidentally getting taped over and leave the tape in the camera for, oh, about 5 months.

This is still part of #4 above, but I'm splitting it up so it's not one huge, rambling paragraph. You're welcome. Next, 5 months later, when your youngest sister calls you to say she's going into labor and for you to bring the video camera, don't check to see what tape is in the camera, or bring extra tapes with you. Then, at the epic video-worthy moment, when the doctor is about to pull the baby out...turn on the camera, actually remember to hit the little red record button...and feel your heart sink when the flashing message says "NOT ENOUGH TAPE TO RECORD, YOU IDIOT!" I'm paraphrasing the message, but you get the drift.

Still part of #4 - Then, because you know it would piss off your sister if you told her the truth, and because there isn't time right then for you to quickly rewind the tape and tape over whatever is on there, because you don't remember what tape was in the camera, just keep holding the camera and pretend to record the never-to-be-repeated event of your niece's coming into the world, so your sister doesn't suspect anything is wrong. To redeem yourself, while the nurses take the baby to clean her up, quickly rewind the tape to the beginning and tape your beautiful little niece while she's getting cleaned and measured and wrapped, so you at least have some record of her early moments in this world.

Later, realize that not only did you miss taping the moment that your sister wanted you to capture the most - her baby being lifted out of her body - but you also taped over your mother's wedding. Then sulk and drink heavily.

And that, my friends, is how you earn the title of the world's worst videographer.

Wait, I said 5 ways, didn't I?

5.  When at your daughter's recital, where she will perform a duet which she choreographed and dedicated to her younger sister, record all the other dances she is in, and a few she's not in, but during the duet - the one dance you wanted to tape most of all - forget to hit....yes, you guessed it....THE LITTLE RED RECORD BUTTON...again!

Fortunately, there are better videographers in the world than me. The dad of one of the other dancers taped the whole show so I was able to get a copy of my daughter's dance from him (Although he missed the first 30 seconds of it, and seems to be practicing his focusing throughout the dance, and sometimes tapes blank stage, but hey, I'm the last one who should criticize another's video taping skills. I'm grateful he taped it at all, so thank you, kind sir!). 

I had to splice in the first 30 seconds from my ex-husband's cell phone video, so they are hard to see, but get past that and the rest is very clear. She did a beautiful job, from the choreography, to the choice of song, to the dancing, of portraying a family's ups and downs when dealing with a family member whose an addict. My daughter is in the light costume and her sister is portrayed in the black costume.

I hope you like it. 


Anonymous said...

First of all, let me just say that this dance was beautiful! The choreography and emotion portrayed were lovely and your daughter is a beautiful dancer! Bravo!
Secondly, I would win the worst videographer award too as we only seem to take out the vid camera oh, once every 6 months, then promptly forget how to work it and it goes as you described in every scenario!! My poor kids get the short end every time and I''m begging every other parent to send me a copy of their vid!!!

Annette said...

That was beautiful, very moving. :o(

Addiction-A Mothers Perspective said...

Beautiful. Love the song, love the dance. Your daughter did a great job! Thanks for sharing.