Tuesday, February 2, 2016

The Truth About Showing Your Home to Buyers

One of the many things I didn't blog about last year was that we sold our house and moved.

The way I said that, it sounds simple. But if you've ever sold a home, you know it is anything but simple.

First you clean the house and throw tons of crap away. Then you list the house and spend all your time hiding the crap you didn't throw away from complete strangers that traipse through your house and decide if it's worthy of an offer.

It's a humbling experience and you just want it to be over with.

If you're going through the process of listing and showing your home, it's a stressful time and you have my sympathy. Lucky for you, I've made a list of tips to help you show your home to potential buyers successfully.

The Truth about showing your Home to buyers. It's all a facade!

1.  Put away anything that implies real humans reside in the home.

When you're selling your home, you got to do stuff.

House hunters don't want to see any signs of someone else's life in their potential dream home. You must pretend that no eating, relaxing. sleeping, cooking, bathing, or mess making of any type happens anywhere on the property.

Clean off counter tops, make beds, hide laundry piles, and kick the dogs outside. And don't think you can get away with just stashing junk in a cupboard or drawer because they look there too. If you must stash a junk pile in a hurry, get one of those shallow bins that fit under a bed and throw it in there for a quick fix. Or skip the bin and just throw it under the bed. And hope you don't have a weirdo buyer that looks under the bed.

2.  Hide all evidence that poop happens anywhere on the premises.

Hide evidence of pooping.

Potential buyers don't want to think about someone else pooping in their potential toilets. They just don't. Get rid of the reading material in the bathroom, hide the plunger, put away the extra roll of toilet paper on the back of the toilet and hide the butt wipes. Eliminate all evidence of, well...elimination.

Your husband will not understand this. Be prepared for lots of arguments and questions, and to have to plug your nose while handing him each of these things while he's sitting on the toilet.

3. The above applies to pet poop too.

When showing your house to buyers, put the dogs outside.

Scoop the two three weeks worth of poop from the yard, hose off the dog piddle on the patio and make sure there are no presents sitting in plain sight in the cat box. And then pray no one lays a fresh dookie five seconds before the people come to the door.

4. Hide evidence of all other bodily excretions too.

Sophia Vergara makes yuchy face.

For God's sake, stash the tampons, panty liners, suppositories and hemorrhoid tucks somewhere out of sight! That goes for Q-tips too. And don't forget to dump the bathroom trash because any of the aforementioned items are even more repulsive to potential buyers after they are used.

5. Assume your house stinks and act accordingly.

Sheldon sprays Febreze.

Let's face it. Everyone is immune to their own funk. You might think your house smells just fine, but between the dogs, the cats, and the fish you cooked last night, a good whiff just might curl the nose hairs of visitors. So light some candles, get some plug-ins or spray some Febreze around.

6. If at all possible, have your spouse take the dogs for a car ride during house showings.

Doggies up to no good.

Seriously. Your dogs will act like complete creeps just when you need them on their best behavior. As soon as the doorbell rings the whole place is going to sound like a kennel and horrify any potential buyers.

You'll think you're clever by asking the agents to call and give you a heads up when they're a few minutes away so you have time to put the dogs outside, thus avoiding the cacophony of barks at the front door. But no.

It turns out the little bastards are equally clever. They will soon catch on that when you run around throwing junk under the bed, dumping the bathroom trash and spraying Febreze everywhere, that means people are coming to the door and they will not cooperate when you try to make them go outside.

They will do the opposite of cooperating and run upstairs and hide. You won't have time to chase them down and hurl them through the doggie door before the doorbell rings and so the dreaded cacophony of barks will commence..

Save yourself all the stress and tell your spouse to take them for a car ride.

I hope these tips help the next time you need to show your home. They may seem like a lot of extra work but remember, the whole point of it all is to find one sucker  buyer who falls for the charade of perfection and makes an offer. Then you can take it off the market already and be left the hell alone.

That is, until the appraiser and home inspector show up. Oh who am I kidding, the whole process is a circus from start to finish. Keep alcohol at the ready.

Better hide it in the garage.

Happy home selling,

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