Monday, March 7, 2016

Swimsuit Season is Coming and the Dressing Rooms are Full of Terrors

I need to get my butt in gear.

I've been eating all the wrong things and in the wrong amounts and with warmer weather coming, I can't cover up the fact anymore.

Winter is coming meme spoof of Game of Thrones.

I was going to write this post yesterday, but I was sucking on Pull-apart Red Vines and eating Jellybeans all day and somehow that didn't give me the motivation to write about diets.

Go figure.

Before I started noshing on candy, I was reading the newspaper and there was an ad for Nutrisystem with Marie Osmond. Man, does she look great!

I'd post a picture, but I don't want to get sued for copyright infringement and I threw away the paper and didn't get a picture of the ad. But here's the Google search so you can see.

Doesn't she look fabulous?

So that gave me some motivation, but obviously not enough to keep my face out of the candy.

And the only reason I bought the candy is because of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. She had a prompt to write about your ten favorite candies, so a bunch of blogs I read on Friday were filled with pictures of candy, which made me crave it so bad I had to stop at the store after work and get some.

First thing to work on if I want to lose weight is definitely willpower.

After I was inspired by pictures of Marie Osmond in the newspaper, I read about how there were fat people in the Stone Age. Apparently this surprises people because supposedly they all ate a Paleo diet back then, which is a huge diet fad now and is supposed to keep you healthy and slim.

Stone Age figurine shows obesity existed even then.

I don't know why this fascinated me, but it did.

It's the Stone Age version of curvy Barbie. Only not as fun to play with because, hello...headless.

I'm waiting for the news that they discovered Stone Age bakeries. How else could those Paleo diet eating people have had obesity?

Somewhere back then was a cavewoman Oprah saying, "I've been down that road, honey child. I have bread. Every. Single. Day."

I was searching for the Oprah Weight Watcher's commercial to make my point but found this instead and it's way funnier:

Anyway... where was I?

Oh yeah, loosing weight.

So after I read about the fat Stone Age people, I saw an article about getting off your rear so of course I read it. While sitting on my rear.

It said if you trade just two minutes of sitting time per hour with two minutes of light activity (like housework), you cut your risk of dying by one-third.


Those are pretty decent odds for just two minutes. I'm going to implement this into my day starting now. Even at work. There are many things I do for two minutes that I can trade off for getting up and walking around:

1.  Daydreaming about working from home.
2.  Daydreaming about living in a travel trailer.
3.  Daydreaming about winning the lottery.
4.  Daydreaming about anything but working.
5.  Giggling at my typos (like typing "dic appointment" instead of "doc appointment").
6.  Texting back and forth with Fred about how much we both just want to go home.
7.  Looking longingly at my scheduled vacation time on the calendar.
8.  Cursing at my computer when it freezes.

I'm sure there's more and I'll spend time at work thinking of them and add them later. Because I'm very productive that way.

I'll implement the two minute rule at home too. Just now, I got up and pulled out the leftover enchiladas from Chili's we had on Friday night and ate them standing up.

That took about two minutes.

This should be easy.

So my point in all of this is to say, I'm going to work on eating healthier and getting more exercise. I know what you're thinking - this isn't the first time I've written about this.

You're right. I have several rants about diets on my blog. A few of them are on Post-It notes. Remember Post It Note Tuesday? I loved that meme. I wonder if I could bring it back?

Anyway, diet rants. Yeah, I actually have lots of them. Just click the Stinkin' Diets category in my sidebar. Nevermind, here's the link if you care to peruse my diet failures.

Because THAT's so fascinating.

So yeah (and let's all take a drink every time I say "Yeah").  I'm dieting again. But as they say, try and try again. Or die trying. Or something like that.

Feeling Fat,

P.S. If you liked this post, please share it on Facebook so other fatties can laugh and we can all jiggle and shake together. Thanks.

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