NASA, and Ladyparts, and Toes and other Related Things

It's time for Friday Fragments! Where I get to write about all the tiny little things that happened this week and throw them all into one post!

Frag #1
This week was off to a fabulous start with my visit to the Gyno on Monday. Do you know they take a picture of you now? This was my first visit with this doctor, and I was quite taken aback when the receptionist grabs this skinny probe-looking thing off the counter and says, "smile!" And takes my picture.

I should clarify that it wasn't while I was laying all spread-eagled in the stirrups, but was when I first walked in, and fully dressed.

But still...it was off-putting. Does it help the doc to put a face with the nether-region? Does she like to know who's who and twat's what?

(Hee, hee. Twat. See what I did there?)

Frag #2
In related news, my blood work was "consistent with menopause."

That's the exact words the nurse used. Oh she was a real wordsmith, that one.

I googled the hormone level results to confirm what the nurse said (because the Internet makes us all medical experts), and one website said my levels were "a confirmation of ovarian shutdown."

Ok, now I felt like I just heard it from NASA. "Houston, can you confirm ovarian shutdown?"

But enough about my lady parts.

Frag #3
After my conversation with the nurse, my sister texted me. She was going on about the insects on her fruit plants and I was trying to tell her about my gyno visit and I had to laugh because if someone were to read a snippet of the conversation it looks like I had caterpillars growing in my vagina.

Now, for reals, I'm off the lady parts topic.

Frag #4
It was The Girl's birthday this week. She turned 20. I'm so proud of her. She's come so far in the last several months. Just last year on her birthday we didn't even know where she was. She had gotten out of rehab, relapsed, and disappeared for a month.

So, to be able to spend her birthday with her, and have her be clean and sober for what is 11 months now...was truly a blessing.

And around here we celebrate blessings with pedicures.

Now, I must add that I haven't had a pedicure since my Spain trip, which was March. And I had some calloused, gnarly heels going on. Seriously.

I mean, I knew they were pretty bad, but I didn't realize how bad until I saw the look on my pedicurist's (is that a word??) face when she looked at them:

What was even funnier was watching her as she sanded away at my callouses with the foot grater. I wanted to burst out laughing because the poor woman had the most concentrated, yet disgusted look on her face that I had ever seen.

Then to top it off, she was yanking my foot so high up in the air that I must have looked as ridiculous as she did. I was having flashbacks to my gyno visit.

I sooo wish I could have had my daughter snap a picture. I didn't want the poor woman to think I was making fun of her, so I refrained. She spoke broken English, so I don't know if she would have understood that I was really laughing at myself, not her. 

We looked something like this:

You no wait so long next time! Your feet like Crocodile!

You'll be relieved to know I tipped her well. She really did do a nice job:

Old, menopausal, mom toes and young, 20-year old daughter toes

After getting scolded in Vietnamese, I took my daughter shopping and out to dinner. We had a lovely time, us with our matching, polka-dotted toes.

And that's my frags for this week! Sorry for all the lady-parts talk.

Tell us about your lady-parts and frags and toes and anything else that floats your boat, by linking up over at Halfpastkissintime! 

Wordless Wednesday...where really, my hubby did all the work.

In honor of Wordless Wednesday, I thought you might like to bask in the greatness of my hubby's ability to waste away the hours playing on his phone artistic talents.

You know the game Draw Something, right? Where you get a word and then you have to draw it, and the other person guesses it, then they get a word to draw and you have to guess it, and so on?

Here are a few of my hubby's masterpieces. Can you guess what they are?

He's so talented with that finger of his, isn't he?

Wait...that just sounds wrong.

Then there's me, who uses the game to nag him to quit playing on his phone at work and get his ass home:

What, did a 1st grader write that?? As you can see, I have no drawing talent whatsover, and my writing talent is questionable! But hey, I got a whole blog post out of this, didn't I?

P.S. If you're interested in the answers, here they are:

Rodeo, Big Bang Theory, Jesus, Beach, Kermit, Ozzy, Monoply, Picard, Plunger

If you have a picture or two that you want to center a whole blog post around (or is it "around which to center a blog post"? That just sounds pretentious), then link up here at Dude Mom's Wordful (or less) Wednesday post.

And because, apparently, I'm now a link-up whore who can't help herself and has to link to TWO Wordless Wednesday parties, and I want others to join me in my linky (with a k) whore-ish-ness, you can link up here to Stacy Uncorked's blog too!

The time I went to Spain and I thought I was all chic and stuff

Remember I mentioned a few posts ago, that I went to Spain for my work? Well, I wanted to tell you about that. Yes, Spain. I know, right?

The company I work for makes software and the boss and a manager were going to Marbella, Spain to promote it to a  group that was meeting there, and I got to go too. The furthest I've ever been was Mexico, so I was wriggling with excitement at the thought of going to Spain!

Of course, the downside to travelling far away, is the travelling time. It took us about 20 hours, between layovers, and flying time, to get there. But for me, that was just all part of the adventure.

We had a layover for a couple hours at the Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris and can I just tell you how stylish and beautiful their airport is? Even their bathrooms were picture-worthy!

These were the stall doors in one of the women's bathrooms. Aren't they just girly and artsy?

This is the women's bathroom in the Paris airport I visited during the flight home. It was the cleanest bathroom I've ever seen! It just gleamed! Those things that look like counters under the mirrors? Those are sinks.

Everything about the Paris airport was high-class and stylish. And everyone was thin, well-dressed and in a hurry. I mean, we'd be just walking along normally and they would just fly past us, all cool in their pashmina scarves, high heels, and designer luggage. And I'm talking about the men!

Seriously, everyone wore scarves in Europe, both in Paris and in Spain. And they were tied in these fancy knots that I've seen them do on YouTube, but could never duplicate. Like this:

(Images from menwtw, francedailyphoto.com, boomerinas.com, and www.thesimplyluxuriouslife.com)

Compared to the stylish Parisians, I'm sure the three of stood out as Yankees, schlepping along with our backpacks and sneakers. We may as well have had a hound dog and a couple of chickens with us, like the Clampetts.

After the layover in Paris, our plane landed in Malaga, Spain, then it was about a 30 minute drive to our hotel in Marbella.

Now, a little background about Marbella, Spain. It's a beach city, and it's ritzy. It's known for being a celebrity vacation spot. Arab sheiks have mansions there. It has the second largest number of Rolls Royce's registered there, London  having the first.

It's also known for being sunny 300-some-odd days out of the year. However. When we were there, of course, there was an unusual cold snap across Europe and it rained a good deal of the time. One day, it was crazy rainy, windy, and stormy - very unusual. I kept thinking of the song "The Rain in Spain Lies Mainly in the Plain" (Is that actually a song?? Or is it just a line from My Fair Lady?). Because it's sooo not true. When it rains in Spain, it rains everywhere.

But we didn't let the damp weather dampen our spirits at all (see what I did there?). Because, after all, we were in another country and we were going to just experience the adventure, rain or shine. The cloudy weather just made the colors around us, and the ocean, all the more beautiful.

These are the steps from the hotel to a little restaurant on the beach. Everything was green and lush.

We arrived on a Saturday afternoon, and didn't have to meet with our potential clients until Monday, so we had a day and a half to soak in the culture and do some sightseeing.

My first impression of the people in Marbella, at least the ones we were in contact with, is that they were very accommodating. It's a touristy town, so you might expect that to be the case, but it was more than that.  They were gracious. It was quite endearing. It seemed like they just wanted to make us smile. And we did a lot of smiling.

Oh, and the food. The food was fabulous. All three of us like seafood, which was a good thing because that was the specialty everywhere. I'll never eat seafood anywhere that isn't near the ocean again. Definitely not here in Vegas. 

We ate a lot of this!

Many people we met spoke English, which was great because although I meant to learn a little Spanish before the trip, I didn't. It would have been helpful if I could have read Spanish though. I was looking at the menu at one of the restaurants we were in, and it had an 8 page menu and at the top of each page was the name of a different country - Russia, France, Italy.

So I go "Oh look, they have all these ethnic foods from all over the world, how cool that they have so many choices!" 

Then my boss pointed out that they didn't serve food from each of those countries, they just printed the menu in each of those languages.

I felt like Roseanne Roseannadanna from Saturday Night Live. "NeVERmind."

So I said, "Ooops. Kind of scary that you hired me, isn't it?" Good thing my boss has a sense of humor.

We did most of our sightseeing along the pier and in Old Town, which was a labyrinth of streets and alleys, with a mix of churches, shops, and homes all jumbled together. It was so colorful and quaint.

I just loved the terracotta and china blue.

I had to do a double-take when I saw this bar.

I loved how much history was just mixed in with the modern world. This is what's left of an Arab castle from the 15th century.

See what I mean about colorful and quaint?

This is a shot from the pier, looking at the city.

Once our Sunday of sightseeing was over, we had to get down to business and prepare for our meetings. My job was to ride the elevator down to the lobby and find the folks we had scheduled meetings with and escort them up to the suite where my boss and the manager were waiting. These were people we had never met, mind you, so it was a bit challenging. Fortunately, everyone had name tags on, so that helped.

I have to pause for a minute here and tell you about my wardrobe for this trip. I agonized over what outfits to wear for our 3 days of business meetings. It was sort of business casual, since it was a resort setting. But aside from the meetings, there were cocktail parties and dinners which each needed an appropriate outfit too.

This was a job for my fashionista cousin. When I need to buy clothes, I always take her shopping with me. We had a couple "Project Spain" shopping trips and consultation sessions to make sure I was properly outfitted for this trip. 

I love my cousin because she's both talented and honest. I can try on an outfit I think will work, and she's all, "No."

Then she whips around my closet like a Tasmanian Devil and in a few seconds has pants, shirt, scarf, shoes, and jewelry and says, "Try this." And it will be the most beautiful outfit ever. Did I mention how much I love her?

Back to my story. So like I said, my job was to ride down and find the clients. So I'm in the lobby, standing by the elevators, looking around for our next client, and this little man walks off the elevator, stops, looks me up and down, and says (in an unidentifiable European accent), "Very chic!"

Now, if I actually were chic, I would have just said, "Why thank you!" Or even, "Well, merci!"

But no.

I didn't quite hear what he said and thought he was asking what company I was with (I have no idea why I thought that because "Chic" sounds nothing like "What company are you with?").

So I responded to him by saying the name of my company. Which likely confused the hell out of him.

He just gave me a funny look like "Ooookaaaaay" and said, "Well, nevertheless, chic!" and walked away.

By the time I figured out it was a compliment, I was stammering a thank you, but it didn't matter, he'd moved on. Probably to find a woman who actually was chic.

I still felt pretty good about getting a compliment on fashion from a European. Even if I didn't understand it.

Our days of eating fantastic seafood, riding in elevators, and looking at the ocean from our rooms, came to a close too soon and it was time to journey home. I was going to miss this view from my hotel room.

The bit of land way off in the distance on the left side of the picture is the coastline of Africa.

But, I'm not quite finished with my story yet. Because no travel story is complete without telling the part about being felt up by the French equivalent of the TSA.

I successfully went through 5 airport security sessions, including Paris, on the way into Spain. Had no problem at all. But for some reason, I set off the buzzer when I walked through the metal detector thing in Paris on the way home.

So the woman agent says something like, "May I check you?" in her French accented English, and pulls me aside and sweeps the little wand thingy over me, front and back. Ok, fine.

Then she does the pat-down. Only it wasn't so much a pat-down, as it was a rub-down. Seriously. She ran her hands sloooooowly all across the front of me (including the boobs), and sloooooowly all across the back of me.

Now, I've been pat-down at airports in the US before, but it did not feel quite like this. This felt sensual. I swear to you. It was quite off-putting.

Even more so the second time I got in line.

Just kidding.

No, but I did get her phone number.

Anyhoo, you haven't experienced a TSA pat-down, until you've had a French TSA pat-down with an agent named Franchesca. Just sayin.

So after my massage, the rest of the trip was uneventful. 

One thing that made me smile was stepping into the terminal in Minneapolis, where we had a short layover, and hearing Bruce Springsteen blaring over the loudspeakers and seeing everyone schlepping around in their sneakers, like we were. Quite different from the beautiful, artsy, and aloof Paris airport.

It was good to be home.

The Sierra Nevada Mountain Range. Almost home.

Lastly, I just have to show the cutest kitchenware that I bought in Marbella. They're hand-painted oil and vinegar bottles, where one side holds oil and the other vinegar. And these cute little ramekins:

I just love these!

So that's my Spain trip story. I'll tell you, travelling abroad like that really made me want to travel more. I'd love to see Italy, Norway, Germany, and Switzerland. I told hubby that before we settle into that RV for our cross-country trip across America, we need to take a couple trips abroad. Or at least one. So that's a goal now.

Maybe I'll look up Franchesca while we're over there.

Chicly Yours,

Lori

Friday Fragments - First Timer

I'm kind of digging the whole Blog Meme thing. Because...well...I'm lazy. I like not having to think about what to post. I can just blindly follow the blog fad of the day. Easy Peasy.

Plus, I find new blogs to follow to get behind on reading. On which to get behind. Or something like that.

ANYwho. Thought I'd try this Friday Fragments bloghop where you gather little bits and frags of things that happened during the week and throw them all in one post. A sort of stew of life's little moments.

So let's see....here's a few fun moments from the week:

1.  Over last weekend, our whole household did yardwork. I wanted to hire this awesome yard guy who had just done our front yard (which looked great) to do it, but our backyard was so overgrown it would have cost $300. So hubby said no, he would do it.

One thing I should tell you about my hubby is he is not known for getting chores done in a...um...timely manner. (I've mentioned that before here. And here. And...hold on...I have to go through my posts and find another one on the topic of honey-do procrastinations...Huh. coulda swore I had another post about that. Guess I'll have to write one.) But, we were having his sister and her grandkids over for a barbeque on Memorial Day and I really wanted the weeds gone so we wouldn't lose any children in the brambles, brush, and dog poop.

So I nagged prodded hubby a bit more than I normally do when it comes to chores and he got a bit grumpy. My brother helped out and got grumpy too, and I was grumpy because they were grumpy, so yeah. We were all just the epitome of joyful teamwork.

But long story short, they called me names like The Red Menace and I threatened to snip their privates with the branch clippers and a good time was had by all. And the yard looks fabulous.

By the way, we saved $300 by not hiring the awesome yard guy, but will spend at least $600 on massages, chiropractic care, and allergy medicine.

2.  My sister and I decided where we are going for our annual camping trip and booked our camping sites. And this started a week long online search of tents, camp kitchens, camp tables to go with the camp kitchen, and other probably not necessary, but oh-so-cool camping gear.

We texted back and forth all week about the pros and cons of the Coleman Easy-Up tent and what the reviews said and how it leaked when it rained and let bugs in, but how easy it was to put up and take down, and on and on. I know. Fascinating stuff.

But it was a highlight of the week that we booked our spots and are ready to roll for our annual family camping trip. I know - your going, Really?? Yes, we get excited about our annual camping trip.

3.  Wednesday, I wrote a poem for my 21 year old daughter, Sis, who just moved out 4 weeks ago. Four. weeks. ago. I'm repeating that so that you remember how long it's been since she moved out, after you read my poem:

There was a young girl who moved out from her home

To spread her wings and live on her own

She loved her new life that was so unrestrictive

But her neighbors complained and now she's evicted

She asked to come back to her old room and closet

Her parents said, "Yes, but we'll need a deposit."

So, yeah. I won't say anything more about that so as not to embarrass the innocent. Well, not so innocent, actually. But moving on....

4.  And that brings us to Thursday, when I paid a visit to the health food store in search of an appetite suppressant to keep me from stuffing my face like there's no tomorrow give my weight-loss battle a little ammunition.

Here's how the conversation with the thin, 20-something, know-it-all-looking clerk went:

Clerk: Can I help you find something? Like menopause vitamins?

Me:     Yes, I'm looking for an appetite suppressant which you would know nothing about because you're a thin, know-it-all-looking health freak.

Clerk:  These fat burners over here all have appetite suppressants in them, you fat old lady with no willpower

but I recommend these vitamins and nutrients for women over here because if you have good nutrition, then you won't have cravings.
Me:  But do they have appetite suppressants in them? What, do you have wax in your ears - I said APPETITE SUPPRESSANT!!
Clerk:  Actually, they do have fat burners in them Geez, lady, I'm trying to help here, how about you show a little willpower?
Me:     But is the appetite suppressant just a side effect of the vitamins or do they really control your appetite? I'm on a mission, dude. Don't F with me.
Clerk:  They do suppress your appetite OMG, I'm so quitting this job.
Me (putting down the vitamins and walking back over to the fat burners/appetite suppressants): Well, if I got one of these, which one do you recommend? LIKE I SAID, I'M LOOKING FOR A FREAKING APPETITE SUPPRESSANT!!
Clerk:  Probably (insert name of product here that I don't remember). It has the least amount of caffeine. Fine, OD on caffeine and give yourself heart problems, fatty
Me:     Well, I don't want to get all hyped up on caffeine...damn it, he's right Maybe I'll try the vitamins. How soon will I feel the effects from them? When can I expect to NOT want to eat every piece of junkfood in my cupboards?
Clerk:   Oh, right away I'm just gonna say what you wanna hear right now, so you leave and I can go to lunch and eat my tofu.
Me:       Ok, I'll get the vitamins and if they don't do what I want then I'll come back and get an appetite suppressant. Cause, like I said, I just want a freaking APPETITE SUPPRESSANT!!

Yeah. So that's how that went.

Well, this was fun! If you want to link up with a Friday Fragments post too, go to Half-Past Kissin Time (isn't that the cutest name?) and link up!

A little Post-It-Note chat with my bod.

So, it's Tuesday.

And Tuesday is Post-It-Note blog post day.

At least for me it is.