I Almost Rescued a Bird

Go away, crazy lady.

When I last left you, I had fishing line sticking out of my neck and a $109,000 surgery bill. Well, not really a bill because insurance....but still.

You'll be happy (or maybe just grossed out) to know that after tugging on the fishing line a little bit each day over the course of a few days, the thread finally just slipped out. The thing was about two inches long.

Surgery is Expensive. Also, I didn't Win the Lottery.

We didn't win the lottery. I say "we" because my brother, sister, myself, my mom and stepdad have an agreement that if any of us wins, we will all split the money.

So when my sister and I drove out to California to visit my mom this past weekend, we bought tickets.

And now, here I lay in my bed with my little laptop tray, surrounded by sleeping dogs in my mess of a bedroom, checking lottery ticket numbers. In my pajamas.

What They Don't Tell You When You Have Surgery: A Post-Op Post

I had neck surgery about two weeks ago.

The whole business of surgery is unsettling. You don't really know what goes on in that operating room when you're passed out from anesthesia.

Despite my trepidation though, I knew it was time to have surgery. I had a couple discs in my neck that had been causing me problems for a few years and it finally got bad enough that I felt like I didn't have much choice.

Three Things I Never Thought I'd Have to Do as a Parent

Being a parent is hard. Even if you go into it, expecting it to be hard... it's harder than you ever imagined.

Oh sure, there's joys and rewards and in the end, you wouldn't trade it for anything, blah, blah, blah.

But there are some things you end up doing, as a parent, that you never, ever, EVER, thought you would have to do.

Just Another Weekend Full of Epiphanies, Chores, Peppercorns and Coneheads

Well, it's another red-letter weekend over here at Laidoffsville. Below are the highlights.

The Big Garage Clean-up

On Saturday I decided to organize the left side of our garage because it's been a big jumbled mess for a few months now and I finally got tired of it. 

When Fred saw what I was doing he asked what the trigger was. He hates when I start a project like that because he knows he's going to get sucked into it somehow. 

How a Pedicure Confirmed My Bitchy Resting Face

I love getting pedicures. Nothing makes a girl feel more girly than smooth heels and painted toes.

Last year after we moved, I felt like a needed a mini spa-break, so I tried a new nail salon right by our house. I had a lovely nail technician we'll call Sebastian.

How to Walk Four Dogs in 33 Easy Steps

I've taken to watching an episode or two of The Dog Whisperer on Saturday mornings. Because, you know, we have four and they don't respond all that well to our commands - whispered or otherwise.

The problem is that we don't treat them like dogs. They're more like noisy, messy roommates.

5 Tips for First Time Cruisers

In my last post, I mentioned we took a cruise and had a little misadventure in Puerto Vallarta.

This week, I thought I'd share a few of the highlights of our trip, in the form of general tips for any other first time cruisers out there. Because I don't mind getting laughed it.

I know you're thinking, "All right already with the damn cruise!" This is my last cruise post, I promise.

The Sunglasses that Sunk Us and Other Lessons Learned in Mexico

Fred and I went on a cruise last week. Neither of us had ever been on one, so it was spectacularly exciting and we had a fabulous time, but as happens with all new adventures, we learned a few lessons.

Actually, we learned many, many lessons, but this post is about what we learned while in our first stop on the cruise, Puerto Vallarta.

Take a Bite of the Cheesecake

My husband is a friendly guy.

He's friendly to just about everyone, strangers or not. He actually goes out of his way to be friendly.

In grocery store lines, he's the guy that looks for opportunities to make people laugh, and most of the time, he's successful. Except for one time when he was standing behind two big Samoan guys who were carrying gallons of milk.

Videos, Binging, and Unemployment. Now You're Caught Up.

I'm still here.

As per my MO, I'm back to blogging after a rather long hiatus. Wondering what I've been doing instead of blogging? This post title pretty much tells it. Well, not quite, but I'll fill you in later.

Anyhoo, what better way to get back in the grove than with a Mama Kat writing prompt?

So, here's my five favorite things right now:

Fair Haired Traveller

My world traveler came home a few weeks ago.

We piled all the dogs in the truck and drove to the airport on Saturday night to pick her up. 

We had record rainfall that day so the sky was stormy and spectacular.

How The GIF Are You Today?

I love using GIFs in my blog posts.

I read somewhere that using GIFS is a crutch writers use when their writing isn't particularly interesting or funny.

I don't agree.

No matter how funny your post is, a GIF is only going to make it funnier, and of course the GIFs make it more interesting. They add a visual element to the post that complements the words and make the post that much more engaging.

So whoever said that, off with your stuffy self!

That being said, when I saw Mama Kat's prompt to share seven GIFS that best describe how you're feeling today, I was all kinds of on board.

 1. I'm feeling like I really need to get my eating habits under control.

At least he's eating vegetables.

A plate of chips and salsa here, an Oreo McFlurry there, here a donut, there a drumstick...

E-I-E-I-O.

That's what I say when I look at myself getting into the shower. Actually, I try really hard not to. Look, that is.

What I say is more like "EEEEEEEEE!" You know, shrieks of terror and disgust.

So I feel like I need to do something about that. Soon.

2. I'm feeling like I'm not getting any closer to my dream of living in a travel trailer.

Note to self: Don't try to make dinner when the trailer is moving.

I'd move today except for 1) we don't own one yet and 2) we have no source of income while we're on the road.

I'm supposed to be working on the second one but I get distracted and end up doing other stuff on the computer instead.

I need to get my butt in gear.

3.  I'm feeling like it should be Friday.

'Nuff said.

4. I'm feeling excited the hubs and I are taking a road trip in May.

This messes up the hair, but is exhilarating.

Our 13th wedding anniversary is in May so we're going to our favorite quick getaway spot - Zion National park in Utah.

Nothing like a road trip to someplace beautiful to inspire and motivate you and my husband is my favorite person to take one with. (With which one to take? That just doesn't sound right.)

I love road trips with my sister too, but she makes fun of my menopause moments, so I'm bumping her to second fav. Sorry sis. Also, the hubs reads my blog and my sis doesn't so...


5. I'm also feeling excited that our annual family camping trip is coming up.

I think they're repelling bears.

It's the topic of nightly group texts among my brother, sister, uncle, and me. And, much to his dismay, hubby Fred.

We discuss noteworthy things like what kind of bear spray to use, whether it's bad etiquette to bring a metal tub and take a bath in the middle of your campsite, and if it's really true you should blow air into worms to make them float.

It's important stuff and worthy of the 395847 phone dings I get every few minutes whenever someone chimes in with a tidbit of camping wisdom.

We don't swing our heads around like these guys (although there was that one year we danced around the fire with glow sticks), but we do have a great time reconnecting with each other and disconnecting from the rest of the world.

6.  I'm feeling tired today.

Just five more minutes.

I woke up at 2:30 AM this morning and couldn't go back to sleep for a while.

What is it about the middle of the night that brings up every negative thought in your brain?

Every perceived failure, every to-do, every Debbie Downer thought you've ever had all year - they all want to party in your brain in the middle of the night.

Hence, tired.

7.  Despite the negatives...I'm feeling grateful for the positives.

A little lipstick makes everything better.

I mean really...my little complaints about dieting, not sleeping well, and my unfulfilled travel trailer dream are nothing compared to many others.

I have food, a bed, and a car. Not to mention the hubs and I have jobs. We can even getaway to take a short trip every so often.

Really, life is very good. I'm reminded of this when I open my blinds in the morning and see the sun. It always makes me smile and think of the things to be happy about for the day.

Enough about me. How are you feeling today?

Gifily,
Lori

Does Buying a Smart Car Make You Smarter?

We bought a car this weekend.

We didn't know we were going to buy a car. We were just going to "look for a car."

Fred's car has been on its last wheels for quite some time now. 

I've just been waiting for that call at 6:30PM on a work night, that I need to to go rescue him from some point on his route home from work, because his car finally died.

Fractured Weekend Post About Nothing

I learned no fascinating news from the Sunday paper this weekend. And nothing exciting happened at our house. So basically, this is a post about nothing.

Yup, I really know how to draw in the readers.

The only thing mildly interesting is that I may have another compression fracture in my back. It may or may not have happened while I slept Thursday. 

Five Willy Nilly Friday Fragments #5

Yay, It's Friday again!

Time for Five Willy Nilly Friday Fragments from the week!

1. Tangled

No, not the enchanting cartoon. Tangled, as in the much less enchanting and very annoying carfuffle my dog walking has become.

I Don't Know Jack...But He Knows Me

Fred does his best to protect me from the world. He tries. But I've always been a trusting soul.

I should really spell that "sole" because there have been a time or two when I've felt like a heel as a result.

See what I did there? Sole. Heel. I crack myself up.

Now I'm Thinking about Purpose in Life. I Just Shouldn't Read the Sunday Paper.

Reading the Sunday paper prompts all sorts of musings. Last Sunday it was Stone Age curvy Barbie and the two minute rule. This week it's purpose.

More specifically, having a purpose in life.

Our Bedroom Games

Me and Mr. Wonderful like to have fun in the bedroom. Here's a few games we play that really liven up the night!

(Calm down, it's not what you think.)

Swimsuit Season is Coming and the Dressing Rooms are Full of Terrors

I need to get my butt in gear.

I've been eating all the wrong things and in the wrong amounts and with warmer weather coming, I can't cover up the fact anymore.

I was going to write this post yesterday, but I was sucking on Pull-apart Red Vines and eating Jellybeans all day and somehow that didn't give me the motivation to write about diets.

Go figure.

Before I started noshing on candy, I was reading the newspaper and there was an ad for Nutrisystem with Marie Osmond. Man, does she look great!

I'd post a picture, but I don't want to get sued for copyright infringement and I threw away the paper and didn't get a picture of the ad. But here's the Google search so you can see.

Doesn't she look fabulous?

So that gave me some motivation, but obviously not enough to keep my face out of the candy.

And the only reason I bought the candy is because of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. She had a prompt to write about your ten favorite candies, so a bunch of blogs I read on Friday were filled with pictures of candy, which made me crave it so bad I had to stop at the store after work and get some.

First thing to work on if I want to lose weight is definitely willpower.

After I was inspired by pictures of Marie Osmond in the newspaper, I read about how there were fat people in the Stone Age. Apparently this surprises people because supposedly they all ate a Paleo diet back then, which is a huge diet fad now and is supposed to keep you healthy and slim.

I don't know why this fascinated me, but it did.

It's the Stone Age version of curvy Barbie. Only not as fun to play with because, hello...headless.

I'm waiting for the news that they discovered Stone Age bakeries. How else could those Paleo diet eating people have had obesity?

Somewhere back then was a cavewoman Oprah saying, "I've been down that road, honey child. I have bread. Every. Single. Day."

I was searching for the Oprah Weight Watcher's commercial to make my point but found this instead and it's way funnier:

Anyway... where was I?

Oh yeah, loosing weight.

So after I read about the fat Stone Age people, I saw an article about getting off your rear so of course I read it. While sitting on my rear.

It said if you trade just two minutes of sitting time per hour with two minutes of light activity (like housework), you cut your risk of dying by one-third.

One-third!

Those are pretty decent odds for just two minutes. I'm going to implement this into my day starting now. Even at work. There are many things I do for two minutes that I can trade off for getting up and walking around:

1.  Daydreaming about working from home.
2.  Daydreaming about living in a travel trailer.
3.  Daydreaming about winning the lottery.
4.  Daydreaming about anything but working.
5.  Giggling at my typos (like typing "dic appointment" instead of "doc appointment").
6.  Texting back and forth with Fred about how much we both just want to go home.
7.  Looking longingly at my scheduled vacation time on the calendar.
8.  Cursing at my computer when it freezes.

I'm sure there's more and I'll spend time at work thinking of them and add them later. Because I'm very productive that way.

I'll implement the two minute rule at home too. Just now, I got up and pulled out the leftover enchiladas from Chili's we had on Friday night and ate them standing up.

That took about two minutes.

This should be easy.

So my point in all of this is to say, I'm going to work on eating healthier and getting more exercise. I know what you're thinking - this isn't the first time I've written about this.

You're right. I have several rants about diets on my blog. A few of them are on Post-It notes. Remember Post It Note Tuesday? I loved that meme. I wonder if I could bring it back?

Anyway, diet rants. Yeah, I actually have lots of them. Just click the Stinkin' Diets category in my sidebar. Nevermind, here's the link if you care to peruse my diet failures.

Because THAT's so fascinating.

So yeah (and let's all take a drink every time I say "Yeah").  I'm dieting again. But as they say, try and try again. Or die trying. Or something like that.

Feeling Fat,
Lori

P.S. If you liked this post, please share it on Facebook so other fatties can laugh and we can all jiggle and shake together. Thanks.